New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We just shotgunned beers for America
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
