You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
