I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
