i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
