this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
