I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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