i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
