I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
