I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
