So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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