I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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