i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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