im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
