Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
