the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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