I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
