I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
