If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My vagina is officially offended.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
