Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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