She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
