I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was CRYING into my vagina
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
