I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
