Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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