I can text with my tongue
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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