guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
