If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
