if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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