answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
