she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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