we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
