Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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