Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
