how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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