dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
