I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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