mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
