No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up under a house in Key West
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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