This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
