everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
