Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
