she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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