I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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