____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
