I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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