i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
