btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
