yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
