i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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