Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
