***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
