I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
